I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Four minutes until I can fart!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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