I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
