Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
