I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
