She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
