Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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