Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
