Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Vodka?
Forever.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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