I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
