Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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