Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
