You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
