I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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