Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
