Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
