and my herpes radar will keep us safe
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
