You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
