True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
