So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
