Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
