What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
