I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
