drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
