Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
