just come out here and I will go home with you...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
