The maid of honor just puked.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
