He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Sext me about skeletons
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
