Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Randomize
