I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
