from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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