The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
