fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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