I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
