If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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