Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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