saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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