I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I accidentally burped into my bong.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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