I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
