I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
