I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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