hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
How's work?
Spinning.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
