a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
