I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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