Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
