im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
