so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
