i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
