I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
whose ass print is on the piano?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
