He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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