look no pants
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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