I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
