Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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