just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
